Thursday, December 31, 2009
Happy Jesus Circumcision Day!
I bid you leave of 2009 CE with this li'l ditty:
Violets are bluish
If it wasn't for Jesus
We'd all be Jewish"
TODAY'S BOOK: "The Tale of Despereaux", by Kate DiCamillo ((c) 2003)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
This is for all the Twilight fans
Ed Wood and Bela 4ever!!1!
TODAY'S BOOK: "Henry and the Clubhouse", by Beverly Cleary ((c) 1962)
Sunday, December 27, 2009
TODAY'S BOOK: "The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said", by Ross and Kathryn Petras ((c) 1993
Labels: free association
Friday, December 25, 2009
Randomly reprinted post (XX)
Pluto is still a planet. We know this because the aliens living there recently contacted the government, and since we don't want to embarrass them by referring to them as coming from a 'dwarf planetoid', it's been re-upgraded.
Cut the lights, I'm gonna fall off...
I've mentioned before that my class anthem is 'Waka Waka'. Its title is quite similar to a song called 'Waka Laka', which is like it a lot except not really. And now for something completely different.
'Ragenalie' is not a real word. Make a note of that, children.
If you ever stick your tongue in a toaster, you deceive what you reserve.
Listen to the Weird Al Yankovic song 'You Don't Love Me Anymore' (Fan-made AMV: www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWEzW4yWre0), admit to me that it's the best song you've ever heard, and I'll give you a whole carton of jalapen~o-flavored ice cream. With a cherry on top too. Maybe even sprinkles, if I feel like it. Please?
TODAY'S BOOK: 'It's Not Over 'Til it's Over', by Al Silverman ((c) 2002)
TODAY'S MOVIE: 'Cats & Dogs', from Warner Bros. (2001)
WWWW2?: Bugs Bunny.
TODAY'S WEBSITE: www.snoopy.com One of the longest-running and highest-syndicated comic strips ever, "Peanuts"--featuring Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy, Schroeder and, yes, Snoopy--was beloved by generations of children. Although the series finished its run a few months before the death of its creator, Charles Schulz, its spirit lives on in this informative website, featuring news, character bios, and downloadable stuff, as well as a daily reprinted strip."
--7th post, 10/17/06
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
103. Toy Story 2
102. The Land Before Time IV [DTV]
101. The Bridge on the River Kwai
100. Spirited Away
99. The Karate Kid, Part II
98. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
97. (tie) Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation [DTV] & Ice Age 2
96. Gulliver's Travels
95. My Fair Lady
94. DuckTales: The Movie
93. (tie) The Guns of Navarone & The Rookie
92. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron
91. (tie) Spider-Man & Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
90. A Bug's Life
89. The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars [DTV]
88. A League of Their Own
87. Brother Bear 2 [DTV]
86. National Treasure
85. Fiddler on the Roof
84. Finding Forrester
83. A Night at the Opera
82. An American Tail
81. Snoopy Come Home
80. Spider-Man 2
78. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
77. The Great Muppet Caper
76. Over the Hedge
75. Aladdin and the King of Thieves [DTV]
73. Back to the Future
72. Star Trek III
71. Batman Begins
70. (tie) Peter Pan & The Princess Bride
68. (tie) The New Adventures of Little Toot [DTV] & The Wave [DTV]
67. Homeward Bound II
66. Horse Feathers
65. The Sound of Music
64. The Adventures of Robin Hood
63. Erin Brockovich
62. Justin Case [TVM]
61. Surf's Up
60. The Prince of Egypt
59. Who Done It?
57. Annie [TVM]
56. (tie) Fantasia/2000 & Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
54. Buck Privates
52. Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark
51. Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: The Adventure Begins [DTV]
50. The Mask of Zorro
48. Fever Pitch
47. Star Trek II
46. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
44. (tie) The Italian Job & Ocean's Eleven
42. Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker [DTV]
41. The Jungle Book
40. The Philadelphia Story
38. Angels in the Outfield
37. Bringing Up Baby
35. (tie) Toy Story & Ratatouille
34. Die Hard
33. 12 Angry Men
32. Ice Age
31. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
30. Treasure Planet
29. The Karate Kid
25. Alice in Wonderland
24. Mary Poppins
23. The Wizard of Oz
20. Star Trek IV
19. Flushed Away
18. The Rescuers Down Under
17. Space Jam
16. Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas
15. Kung Fu Panda
14. Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
13. Charlotte's Web
12. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
11. Robin Hood
9. (tie) Schindler's List & E.T.
8. Monsters, Inc.
7. The Emperor's New Groove
6. The Incredibles
4. The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged) [TVM]
3. Star Wars: A New Hope
2. Finding Nemo
1. (tie) Beauty and the Beast & The Lion King
[DTV]=Direct to Video [TVM]=TV Movie
TODAY'S BOOK: "Indian Captive: The True Story of Mary Jemison", by Lois Lenski ((c) 1941)
Labels: lists lists lists
Monday, December 21, 2009
The last 34 search engine keyword referrals
giant boogers (3)
a picture of the biggest booger (2)
"giant boogers from outer space"
a pic of the worlds biggest booger
booger ball guinness record
cartoon man hit with frying pan
do people at outer space got there feet on the ground\
erma bombeck motherhood the second oldest profession culmination
here's a yoda, there's a yoda, and another little yoda... lyrics [Nice to see my made-up ditty is considered canonically real.]
i dont care about underwater boogers [Neither do I, but you don't have to tell us about it.]
images on google off boogers
its not important to explore outer space [From the UAE no less.]
llama song wikipedia
my booger space [It's called a nostril.]
nissim gini photo
oo waka waka meenie song
particle man home video archives
peter parker middle name
pictures of gigantic boogers
praise for the middle moffat by eleanor estes
ramona quimby "rule 34" [Great, another disturbed 13-year-old.]
rood giddance to rad bubbish childrens book
waka waka my names chewbacca
wakka wakka wakka calvin and hobbes
what are boogers made off
where did the llama song come from
why boogers are white for science class [After all, this blog is called Giant Boogers from Outer Space for a reason. Wait, no, it's not.]
why keep silence between netilat yadaim and motzi [Some poor chump from Chile wanted to know. Instead he had to suffer through an obscure Jewish in-joke. My apologies.]
world record booger
TODAY'S BOOK: "Throwing Smoke", by Bruce Brooks ((c) 2002)
Labels: the blog
Friday, December 18, 2009
Today, let's update my All Time Favorite Songs list!
"Hero" by Superchick enters between "Slipped Away" and "Kleptomaniac" at #34.
"They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" by Napoleon XIV enters between "Won't You Stay Home, Israelis?" and "Rock and Roll Music" at #53.
"The Purple People Eater" by Sheb Wooley enters between "We Will Rock You" and "Roll Out the Daryl" at #109.
"I'll be Mellow When I'm Dead" by Weird Al Yankovic (henceforth "WAY") enters between "Help Me Make it Through the Flight" and "Hillary Will Survive" at #118.
"All-American Girl" by Carrie Underwood enters between "Close But No Cigar" and "Goodbye" at #158.
"Genius in France" by WAY enters between "Goodbye" and "I Think I'm a Clone Now" at #160.
"They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" by Napoleon XIV enters "Papa's Got a Brand New Baghdad" and "What if God Smoked Cannabis" at #177.
"Pressing On" by Relient K enters between "If You Knew Souter Like I Know Souter" and "Speaker of the House" at #186.
"When I Was Your Age" by WAY enters between "Calm Eagle" and "Welcome to the Jungle" at #194.
"21 Guns" by Green Day enters between "Land of Confusion" and "Livin' in the Fridge" at #199.
The list now contains 200 songs.
TODAY'S BOOK: "The Great Brain", by John D. Fitzgerald ((c) 1967)
Labels: lists lists lists
Monday, December 14, 2009
The above cartoon, which ran in The Jerusalem Post on December 7th, has also now been featured on some sort of German news blog. Of all things. Anyhow, it refers to the recent ban in Switzerland on building minarets. The blog editor took it to mean a protest against intolerance; actually I drew it from a purely reportingative point of view.
Well, publicity be publicity, I s'pose.
TODAY'S BOOK: "Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH", by Robert C. O'Brien ((c) 1971)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So my shirt disappeared and I went outside through the revolving door, then back in, then out again. And I found myself in my old building's lobby.
I went to the elevator (which was in front of me instead of to the left, oddly enough) and waited for it along with some other folks who walked. There were both men and women. I think one of the men was bald.
Then we went into the elevator and the scene shifted to the elevator now outside the building, going up at an angle instead of straight. I remember thinking, "Oh yeah, I forgot that elevator did this", even though it never actually did. Also, it had no roof.
Some more people got on.
I was completely calm throughout all of this.
We stopped at my floor and I went in. There was a long hallway, on the left were animals that looked like CGI images exhibited in pens. As I walked down the hall, one of the animals, a bull species called a "Fencebreaker", destroyed its enclosure. I walked past and mentioned to a security guard.
As I kept walking I saw more animal exhibits that had been destroyed or something.
Then I turned a corner and found out who was responsible for this: the Joker. A scene from Batman: The Animated Series played out on a giant screen.
And then I woke up.
TODAY'S BOOK: "The Voice of Liberty: The Story of Emma Lazarus", by Eve Merriam ((c) 1959)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Palestinian Authority (2)
The "peace" process
The Goldstone Commission
The Demjanjuk trial
And these are the figures, political and otherwise, that I have caricatured:
US President Barack Obama (six times, once unpublished)
Israeli PM Binyamin Netanyahu (five times, once unpublished)
PA chairman Mahmoud Abbas (five times, once unpublished)
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahamdinejad (four times)
Hamas Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh (thrice, twice unpublished)
Fatah Prime Minister Salam Fayyad (twice, once unpublished)
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
French President Nicolas Sarkozy
Israeli President Shimon Peres
British PM Gordon Brown
Jordanian King Abdullah II
J Street executive director Jeremy Ben-Ami
Nazi John Demjanjuk
Plus all of the following who did not make it to print:
Former Israeli PM Ehud Olmert
Former Israeli President Moshe Katzav
UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon
Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal
Former Israeli Finance Minister Avraham Hirschson
IAEA Director General Yukiya Amano
Former Israeli MK Shlomo Benizri
Murderer Dimitry Kirilik
Attorney Uri Keinan
A gremlin from Gremlins
Me (hidden cameo)
My conclusion? I'm getting better at diversifying my subject matters, and any cartoon featuring Ahmadenijad is a surefire winner (7-for-7).
Here's another peek at an unpublished tidbit!
Doubles as timely since he actually received the Prize yesterday. And yes, that's me (hair whitened) on the left.
TODAY'S BOOK: "The Odessa File", by Frederick Forsyth ((c) 1972)
Thursday, December 03, 2009
The Comedy for Koby December 2009 Tour
AL: I was in Modi'in yesterday. Now in Hebrew, modi'in means "intelligence", right? That's kind of arrogant. "I'm from Modi'in! Where are you from? Beit Stupid?" But how intelligent can they be if they built their city 15 minutes away from Ramallah? Now if it was 15 minutes away from a beach, they might have something...
MS: You know you're really overweight when people whistle after you tell them how much you weigh. If they flinch, you've got two weeks to live.
BB: You're always hearing about groups of men going missing. Never women. The only time women go missing, one of us is involved.
SW: I grew up in Long Island, so I'm like a Black Jew. A Bew. Or maybe a Sephari.
MS: My grandmother would soak her undergarments in the sink. Leave 'em in there for a week. Every half hour bubbles would come up. "Grandma, run, it's alive!"
BB: We stayed in a hotel here... The only time in my life I called a hotel switchboard, asked for Avi Liberman, and got five different rooms.
SW: I voted for Barack Obama, but not for the reasons you may thing. I voted for him because he's black.
AL: The Hareidim may have made Ushpizin, but they wouldn't be able to make movies in every film genre. (Besides the most obvious one.) Science fiction. Guy goes into the time machine, comes back out--everybody's still dressed the same, everybody's still speaking Yiddish. Horror: instead of Friday the 13th, we'd have Thursday the 12th. Comedies! Instead of 9 to 5, we'd have--well, nothing.
MS: I've noticed that if a restaurant forgets to charge you for something--"Everybody, let's walk out nice and slowly." An' it's like you're robbing a bank. You get outside, "Get in the car! Get in the car!" Someone falls and twists their ankle: "Go on without me!"
SW: You've mostly got two types of blacks in America. There's the ones who go to Harvard, graduate top of their class, and become leader of the free world, like Obama. And there's the ones who become Flava Flav and OJ.
BB: Oxygen masks on airplanes. What kind of evil genius thought those up? We're in a steep dive, the last thing I want to do is remain conscious! If anything, they should pump nitrous oxide! That way we'd go out happy at least. "Faster! Faster!"
SW: Fooled ya! I'm a Negro. No refunds!! People hear "Steve White", they get all fooled.
AL: I was in Maryland one Shabbat and was given hagbah. Now, the Torah scroll was a bit large, and I was straining to lift it I blurted out, "Jesus, this is heavy." Yeah, great timing. Just then the rabbi leaned over and whispered, "For Chrissakes don't drop it!"
MS: Medical marijuana--my grandmother, 89 years old, has glaucoma. And she smokes 10-12 joints a day. I told her to stop, she said, "Don't hassle me, man. ...I'm gonna put on some Led Zeppelin and have a lie-down."
BB: Israeli drivers. You people are all so nice and easygoing and relaxed--until you get behind the wheel. Then you're like: "I'm gonna win." Our Israeli chauffeur was taking us around at high speed. "That's a police car over there!" "Well, he'd better be fast!"
MS: I met the cast of Seinfeld. There's Rich, Richer, Even Richer, and Extremely Wealthy.
SW: You know what a Shabbat elevator should be? THE STAIRS!!!
AL: Jewish holiday analogies for the goyim. Rosh HaShanah: New Year's but without the fun. Yom Kippur: Confession... all day long.
MS: My mother always had splitting headaches. Never ordinary headaches. Splitting headaches. "I've got a splitting headache!" Maybe that's because you've been yelling for the past 11 hours. Or drinking a cup of coffee every half hour.
BB: I was watching The Ring and the girl started to crawl out of my TV. Click--turned it off. And unplugged it. And turned it around so that it faced the wall. Maybe if she bumped her head she'd turn around and go back.
SW: There have been, like, two Black Jews in History. Sammy Davis, Jr. and Jesus. Oh, you don't believe me? It says in the Bible Jesus had "skin of bronze and hair like sheep's wool". That's either a black man, or Alex Trebek.
MS: The 99 cent store. You go in there and you see a box of 40 underpants. For 99 cents. And you buy it, even though the small voice is telling you you shouldn't. And then you open it up and all the underpants have the fly on the side.
SW: People acted like it was a big thing when they found out that Andrew Jackson slept with one of his slaves. But what was so unusual about it? Slavery was legal back then! Imagine you're the president of the United States, rich, powerful, and out back you have Beyonce, Halle Berry and Rihanna.
BB: My mom had a station wagon. Lime green. That way nobody's steal it.
AL: The Sephardim probably couldn't believe it when they saw what the Askenazim were doing to the chametz laws. "What're you gonna do next, get rid of rice? ...Wait a second!!"
MS: I put my exercise bike on my treadmill. I do 500 miles a day.
BB: Monkey bars in playgrounds--plumbing 40 feet in the air. So dangerous even the monkeys don't use them.
SW: What would a black production of Fiddler on the Roof sound like? "Who day and night must scramble for a living, feed a wife and children, say his daily prayers, and who has the right, as master of the house, to have the final word at home? The brotheeeeeeers, the brothers!"
MS: Tiger Woods on the Letterman show. "What's been going on by you?" "Nothin'. How about you?" "Same as you..."
BB: And those playground metal animals with springs on the bottom! You never see these kinds of springs anywhere else! Their purpose is to launch children.
SW: My wife made me watch three movies back to back with her. We saw The Bridges of Madison County, Fried Green Tomatoes, and Steel Magnolias. Then I had my period.
AL: The demographic that has the most people training as Jerusalem tour guides nowadays is the Arabs. No joke. I can see it now: "And here we have de Western Wall." "What happened here?" "Absolutely nussing. Nussing to see here, moving right along!"
MS: I had a friend who was obese, I told him, "You've gotta exercise!" Know what he told me? "Can't. I've got to get into shape first."
BB: You know how on airplane flights the pilot periodically tells you how high the plane is? Do I really want to know that?? They should lie, tell us the plane's six feet off the ground. Then I'd think, Good, if we crash I can jump and roll.
SW: O.J. Simpson broke the cardinal rule of crime: if you got away with it, shut your damn mouth! I mean, you don't see Woody Allen hanging around Asian daycare centers, do you?
AL: Purim is great. It's the only holiday of the year where you're supposed to get plastered. Your gentile neighbor sees you coming out of the house with a Jack Daniels in one hand and a vodka in another-- "Where are you going?" "Synagogue. Have fun at church!"
MS: They asked me at the hospital for my emergency number. I put down 911.
BB: Our son was born, 6 pounds, 12 ounces, 0.08 blood alcohol.
SW: John McCain would have made a great president. In 1871. When he was 60. Why he probably would have owned Barack Obama. ...Hey, if I can't make a slavery joke, who can??
AL: Subways in New York--they change the schedule on you arbitrarily. And if you're from out of town it can be quite disconcerting. The announcement comes over the loudspeaker: "This train is now the 2:00 G train." And those announcements get weirder and weirder the later it gets. 1 AM: "Now holding a cockfight in the last car." And by 2 AM you're in the Twilight Zone. "Next stop: St. Louis."
MS: I can never ever find anybody in a supermarket who actually works there. I was in the meat department, came across a guy in a white shirt with blood all over it. "Pardon me, do you work here?" "No."
BB: I've got an East Coast mentality, so there's certain things I say--but I can't say them here, because in Israel I can sense G-d's presence. I can say them in New Jersey. I don't sense it there at all.
SW: When I first heard of Kwanzaa, I wondered what is was--an Australian airline? Actually, it's the black version of Christmas. Santa Claus comes down the chimney and steals your watch.
AL: When you try to describe Sukkot to a non-Jew, it makes you sound completely deranged. My friend Russell asked me about it. I told him: "Well, we build these huts, and then we sleep in them for seven days. (Only we don't really.) And we take a palm branch, a willow, a myrtle, and a really expensive kind of lemon... and then we shake them." "What do you do with them after the holiday?" "We throw 'em away. ...Sometimes we make a jam out of the lemon." "Is it any good?" "...No."
MS: An earthquake in Los Angeles wrecked a trailer park. 200 trailers destroyed--over $60 in damages. Now, I just don't get why trailers are so popular. Why would I want to live somwhere, if some guy want to sit on my couch, the house tips over? And if I'm in the bathroom and I'm thirsty, I can just reach over to the kitchen sink?
BB: I was raised by a single mom. She'd hear something in middle of the night, she run into my room and shake me. "Can you go see what that noise is?" "Mom, I'm nine years old!"
SW: Some people are obsessed with Splenda. "Gotta have Splenda. Gotta have Splenda." "Why?" "It's got half the sugar." You know what else has got half the sugar? HALF THE SUGAR!!!!
AL: Some Christians, monks, take vows of silence. That's another difference between them and us. How many of you can keep from talking between netilat yadayim and hamotzi?
MS: My mother was always telling me, "I'm not your maid!" And on the inside I was thinking, "Oh yes you are."
SW: Women think "compromise" means "do it my way".
MS: When the doctor asks you how you're doing, just make up something. "I'm fine. Haven't gone to the bathroom in a year."
AL: You can never get a direct flight out of LaGuardia. Last time I took a flight out of LaGuardia, the plane landed at Kennedy.
MS: I don't usually wear a yarmulke when I perform. Then they start pigeonholing you. Then I get booked less, then I get less pay, then my wife divorces me.
BB: You Jews, you're lucky--you always know what's going on during prayers. Catholics have no idea what's going on in Mass. Priest up front, mumbling in Latin, we have no idea what to say... We cheat, we copy what everyone else is doing. One of you could walk into a church, improvise something, and mess everybody up.
MS: Everything in Las Vegas is open 24 hours. Supermarkets. Jewelry stores. Family restaurants. What kind of psycho takes his family to a restaurant at three in the morning??
BB: The worst part about sitting in our station wagon were the vinyl seats. Those things heated up to the temperature of the surface of the sun.
SW: I don't get the big fuss over Michelle Obama. "Ooh, she's so gorgeous!" Just because she's the First Lady doesn't mean you have to fawn over her. She's okay looking, I guess. Actually, I think she kinda looks like Chewbacca, but that's just me.
MS: The definition of shalom bayit: my wife sees something she wants, I buy it, and we have shalom.
BB: You Israelis are all so peaceful, sittin' around relaxed, sippin' coffee. Then you get behind the wheel of a car and it's all like: "I'm gonna win!!!"
SW: I'm not black. It's a birthmark. I just scratched it a bit too much.
MS: You can't threaten your kids these days. They'll sue you.
AL: Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving too. They're thankful that they border us. ...But they get mad at me when I call them "America, Jr.".
SW: I went to the Dome of the Rock. You know what's inside? A Starbucks.
MS: There's a law that if you snore, you must be woken up and told about this. I don't need this information!
BB: I got so intimidated by the El Al security personnel in the airport. They told me "Drop your pants", I complied immediately. "If you find anything, let me know!"
SW: I know what you're thinking. "Damn, he's got a lot of teeth!" Well, I can use 'em for other things than show business. For instance, I go jogging at night.
MS: No hareidi asks his wife for fashion advice. What would she tell him? "Wear the black jacket... and the black pants... and the black loafers... and the black yarmulke... and the white shirt... and the tie with a soup stain on it."
BB: Girl Scouts are really good at selling those cookies. One troop I knew used their money, instead of camping out in woods somewhere, they rented a condo overlooking Central Park. And even if they had gone camping, they wouldn't have gotten lost. Because they would leave a cookie trail. ...Unless they brought Boy Scouts along, in which case they would be eaten.
MS: If your wife hears a noise outside--she wakes you up: "Honey, there's someone outside." "Good. That's where they belong." But she makes you go and check anyway in case it's a murderer or something. And as you leave, she says, "Don't forget to put a sweater on, dear." And when you go outside--she locks the door.
SW: I've got ADHD. That's Attention Deficit in Hi-Definition.
TODAY'S BOOK: "The Hangman's Ghost Trick", by Scott Corbett ((c) 1977)