Wednesday, January 30, 2008


98th post

I'm sitting here staring at the screen, trying to come up with some original and witty way to segue into today's topic. You know what? I can't. So--screw it--we're jumping right in. Hold your breath and don't mind the mud, it's potassium-infused.
Over a month and a half after my last comment, I get another one, on my last post. As usual, it's from Anonymous (that fellow sure gets around), but this time he's not trying to sell me something or otherwise drive in the pointlessness of my online existence. No, this time I got Zombo.
What is Zombo?
The answer is, apparently, "How the fsck should I know?" Located at, Zombo is a Flash-powered single Web page that plays a simplistic light pattern while a deep, slightly-accented (read: fake-accented) voice tells us what Zombo is. The fact that Mr. Deep Larynx goes on for quite a while and yet the 'Umble Listener never actually gets a clue as to what's really going on is, admittedly, quite a feat.
Well, I didn't have the patience to wait very long, so I left after a couple of minutes. Anonymous told me to thank me later, so I'm thanking him now. And may I add that if you had told me to get stoned, drunk, or really really tired before going there, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Ah well, I needed another addition to the anemic Games & Diversions links section, even though Zombo did not make a list of the 10 most randomly useless websites ever (link courtesy of DRB).
Oh, and apparently the sporks are with me. Yay!
PU - Anonymous is actually Eric in disguise. That wouldn't be too difficult, all he'd have to do would be to change hats. But why? And more specifically, am I correct? When a Minnesotan visits here via the Ethereal Garage, he comes via either Qwest Communications or Comcast Business Communications. Are they one and the same? Are they not? Perhaps a merger is occurring--to what effect upon the economy of Minnesota, I cannot say. If Eric's from Comcast, all is well. If not, not. Not not not not not--SOMEBODY STOP ME!! Then again, possibly it was my first Uruguayan visitor. Or not not NOT NOT--AIIEE!!! Well, who knows. (And PU stands for Post Ulate. Obviously.)

TODAY'S BOOK: "Dante's Equation", by Jill Jensen ((c) 2003)

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Saturday, January 26, 2008


Criticism of Blogger - revisited

Over half a year after posting What's to like and not to like about Blogger, I suppose it's time to address my nine Not to Like points.
1. They have not yet chosen me for a Blog of Note. Still haven't, hint hint.
2. Every time I come here I have to sign in. That "Remember Me" option is broken and it makes things a right pain in the neck. I think this got fixed for a short time.
3. The "Comments" section is variable as to whether I can actually enter it, and when I do it's sometimes needlessly picky about letting me post there. Much better service in this area now. Makes life a lot easier.
4. Forcing me to upgrade. Look, the former version may have been more primitive, but I wanted to switch over in my own sweet time. No change.
4a. And now that I've upgraded, I've lost the option to Search all of the blogs instead of just my own. A-noy-ying! I can do this from my Edit Posts page, so scratch that. On the other hand, replace "just my own" with "just any blog I happen to be searching from" and you get an even bigger complaint.
5. The "Help" section is miniscule. And it's still no great shakes.
6. For once, random is not good--the vagary of the "Next Blog" button. The one point over which I want to give Blogger's staff the finger.
7. The "Profile" section is still primitive--I can put my astrological sign up, but not my birth date. 'Sup with that? See note on #4.
8. The link to a picture in a post does not automatically open in a new window. Trivial, but nonetheless there. It's embarrassing to think I even wrote this.
9. Wakka wakka. Wakka wakka!

TODAY'S BOOK: "Oh Danny Boy", by Rhys Bowen ((c) 2006)

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Art vs. Appendicitis, Appendicitis wins by TKO

This is my entry to the latest TGN fan-art contest.

This is Sha'arei Tzedek Medical Hospital in Jerusalem.

And this, apparently, is what an appendix looks like.

Apparently, my own appendix was unimpressed with the Sunday deadline I had set for myself to put the finishing touches on the picture, and so decided to get infected and send me to the hospital--where, of course, having no access to a computer, said finishing touches did not get done. I'm fine now, having spent Saturday night through this morning with needles stuck in my right arm in two places and four staples in my shaved tummy. Maybe I'll finish the picture and post it here some other time.

TODAY'S BOOK: "Bud, Not Buddy", by Christopher Paul Curtis ((c) 1999)

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Wednesday, January 09, 2008


Story time - Part 6

"Terry Harkness awoke from his slumber when he heard a slight sktch from the direction of the hotel room's closet. The former CIA operative with hair-trigger senses waited, as was his habit in these matters, a full five seconds; then he heard the slight noise again. Triangulating it with his keen ears, he deduced that it was being made by a shoe on the linoleum. Amateur, Harkness thought instinctively, you should've worn tennis sneakers. Automatically lunging for the gun he always kept nearby, a habit he'd acquired during his undercover days, Harkness spun and shot at the intruder while still trying to shake the cobwebs of slumber from his eyes.
"Unfortunately, the other man--he could see it was a man in the pale moonlight that filtered through the Venetian blinds of the window--was not as complete an amateur as he'd have preferred, and had begun moving evasively as soon as he'd realized that he'd blown his cover. Nonetheless, the bullet grazed his arm; but held in his other arm, Harkness beheld a rather nasty-looking handgun.
"'Who are you?' Harkness demanded.
"The reply consisted of a short, sustained burst of hot lead; catlike, Harkness avoided the bullets and, with one powerful somersault, came within five feet of the assailant. Unlike him, he would not miss from this range.
"'Drop the gun!' he commanded. The man complied.
"Harkness's mind was racing. 'Who are you?' he repeated. The man remained silent.
"'Who sent you?' he pressed. 'Talk now, scumbag, or I'll shoot!'
"His would-be killer grinned, revealing ugly, uneven teeth in a mouth exposed beneath the black stocking that covered the upper half of his face. 'You vun't dare kill me,' he said with a trace of a Hispanic accent. 'You vant answers? Drop your gun, too.'
"'Now, who said anything about killing you?' Harkness asked innocently.
"Then he shot the assailant in the kneecap.
"The man would have screamed with agony had Harkness not immediately leapt upon him and clamped his hands around his mouth, effectively muffling the perp. After all, he didn't want any valiant staff members barging in; this wasn't one of those cheap dives he had so often frequented--sometimes on business, sometimes not--in the old days.
"'They may be able to save your leg,' he snarled into the man's scrunched-up face. 'It depends on how fast you'll be able to get to a hospital and the quicker you answer me the faster you'll be able to reach one, comprender, amigo?' The man nodded, sweat pouring off him like a river. Harkness could smell his fear. 'And don't scream,' he ordered, letting go and backing off, gun once more levelled at the wounded man.
"'Sheet, man, you crazy!'
"'Crazy is as crazy does. Now, who sent you?'"
Have you made up your mind yet on this point?
Gimme a few minutes to think it over.
A few minutes?? You haven't published a continuation since September! Surely you should have some idea by now.
Right off the bat, I'm eliminating the Far East.
Because Far East = ninjas and then you'll never stop bugging me.
Can I help it if I like ninjas?
And if any Americans are involved it's not going to be solely them. I'm thinking something international--no, not including the Far East!--or one of the smaller European countries.
'Cause nobody'd suspect them, right?
Get outta town.
But my heart wouldn't be really into surrecting yet another global covert crime cartel. It's a hackneyed plot point that's been done to death in countless novels and...
Your choices are Near Joke and Hackneyed. Great. So pick one!
All right, I guess Hackneyed takes it.
Great. And why perchance can't it include the Far East?
Becase Far East = ninjas and--
Forget the damn ninjas! It's the 21st century, the age of cyberspace, and you can't not bring in the Japanese for terrorist tech support!
All right, mister, you've forced my hand... the novels set in a different time period.
I smell cop-out.
It's set in the '70s-'80s. Which means no necessary Japanese involvement--and also no having to invent world leaders or anybody of pretty major importance.
Yep. Definitely cop-out.
Shush. Now, where was I?
"'I dun't know, man!' whispered the Latino. 'Just a--ay!--a voice on the tellephone. He--aack!--wouldn't say a name. Sheet, you really effed up my leg. Hurts so bed.'"
The only thing here that "hurts so bed" is the dialogue.
Well, sorry, I guess we'll just have to scrap that Pulitzer acceptance speech I've been working on.
"'If you're in too much pain, that can easily be remedied', the impassive ex-spy responded, shifting his gun hand meaningfully.
"His would-be assailant quivered like a tub of Jello."
I hate Jello.
And I hate you constantly interrupting me. This is MetFanMac, signing off!

TODAY'S BOOK: "The Vampire Hound", by Jim Kraft ((c) 2001)


Monday, January 07, 2008


94th post

As Tevet draws to a close, it's time for... Nope! Not a list. Is this the Blog of Ultimate Randomness or is this the Blog of Ultimate Randomness? I need to know!
Can somebody give me a Halleloojy?
Never mind the giant stick insects, here come the matriarchs of Teflon V!
This time, it's the stoats who are a-marching all over town. And unlike the limp biscuits, they are armed with squid-shooting Canadian-manufactured rifles.
Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka! Wakka wakka! Wak wak wak! Wakka wakka wak wakka, wakka wakka! Wakka wak wakka wak wak wakka wakka.
Tenderly slips the ship into the dark dankness of the night... 52
Just call me the mailman and pass around the bag of nuts, please. Dive in.
Game over. Picard singles off Kirk, driving in Sisko, and all the cheerleaders come out for smooches.
If you can't leave in a huff, then you may leave in a minute and a huff. Pterry, get well soon! We need more like that!

TODAY'S BOOK: "Three Men in a Boat", by Jerome K. Jerome ((c) 1889)

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Thursday, January 03, 2008


93rd post

There have been millions of songs recorded and sold since old Edison patented his gramophone. But almost none have been to my liking.The rap genre, for instance, contains 0% interest for me. It's comedy that gets me; and the only two people/groups that I actively seek out their songs are Weird Al Yankovic and political parodiers The Capitol Steps. So in fact, the entire list of songs that I have heard and liked can be written down in a single blog post. Impossible, do you say? Au contraire!
And please note that songs that were composed as written poems instead of being set to music do not belong to this list. Neither do songs created specifically for movie or TV soundtracks, nor songs of a religious bent. A final omission are non-English songs, which cuts out a lot of Hebrew songs; the highest placed song to get slashed this way is Afrinkaaner CapeTown's "Waka Waka" at the former #3 spot.

190. Livin' in the Fridge – Weird Al Yankovic (henceforth referred to as WAY)
189. Land of Confusion – Genesis
188. We Didn't Start the Fire – Billy Joel
187. The Fools on the Hill – The Capitol Steps (henceforth referred to as TCS)
186. Welcome to the Jungle – Guns N' Roses
185. Calm Eagle – CAKE
184. All the Same – Sick Puppies
183. You Can't Fly with Giant Thighs – TCS
182. Another One Rides the Bus – WAY
181. I Wrecked My Heart With Spam and Crisco – TCS
180. Sweet Home Alabama – Lynyrd Skynyrd
179. Speaker of the House – TCS
178. If You Knew Souter Like I Knew Souter – TCS
177. Polonium 209 – TCS
176. We Are – Ana Johnsson
175. Little Doc Koop – TCS
174. Dumbstruck – TCS
173. Jurassic Park – WAY
172. The Green, Green Grass of Nome – TCS

171. What if God Smoked Cannabis – Bob Rivers
170. Papa's Got a Brand New Baghdad - TCS
169. Diverse City – tobyMac
168. Sheik to Sheik – TCS
167. Camel Lot – TCS
166. I Lost on Jeopardy – WAY
165. Lookin' for Scuds in All the Wrong Places – TCS
164. Millie the Poocher – TCS
163. Ugly Girl – Kelly Clarkson
162. Bibbity Bobbity Spew – TCS
161. Revolution – The Beatles
160. Barney's on Fire – Tony Mason
159. Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me) – Jonas Brothers (originally X Atencio)
158. Spider Hole - TCS
157. Who Says You Can't Go Home – Bon Jovi
156. Neighborhood Bully – Bob Dylan
155. I Think I'm a Clone Now – WAY
154. Goodbye – Plankeye
153. Close But No Cigar – WAY

152. Huckabee – TCS
151. Put Ten Grand in the Hand – TCS
150. OhMyGodImOnFire – Logan Whitehurst
149. Resume Mucho - TCS
148. Fun, Fun, Fun, 'Til Teddy Puts His T-Shirt Away – TCS
147. (Get Your Kicks On) Route 66 – Chuck Berry (originally Bobby Troup)
146. Ollie Would – TCS
145. Meese's Pieces – TCS
144. Gump – WAY
143. Embattled Him of the Republicans – TCS
142. Heard it on the Nightline – TCS
141. Leader of the PAC – TCS
140. A Complicated Song – WAY
139. Sushi and the M.C.A. – TCS
138. Nature's Law – Embrace
137. 76 Bad Loans – TCS
136. Don't Know Much About Strategy – TCS
135. Ducoccus – TCS
134. White & Nerdy – WAY

133. Heavy Traffic – TCS
132. Kosovo – TCS
131. I'll Sue Ya – WAY
130. Kung Fu Fighting – Carl Douglas
129. Yappety Yap – TCS
128. Cat's in the Cradle – Harry Chapin
127. Day Care – TCS
126. Weasel Stomping Day - WAY
125. When I'm 84 – TCS
124. God Bless the USA – Lee Greenwood
123. Read My Flips – TCS
122. Blame it on the Boss at NASA – TCS
121. The Curly Shuffle – Jump 'N The Saddle Band
120. Sound of Moose-Sick – TCS
119. You're So Vain – Carly Simon
118. This Fish is Made for Walkin' – TCS
117. Condoleezza – TCS
116. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day
115. Hillary Will Survive – TCS

114. Help Me Make it Through the Flight – TCS
113. Heaven Forbid – The Fray
112. Won't You Go Home, Bill Bradley? – TCS
111. Downside Story – TCS
110. Freak Out – Avril Lavigne
109. Who'll Put a Bomb on Saddam Saddam Saddam? – TCS
108. Suspension – Mae
107. Roll Out the Daryl – TCS
106. We Will Rock You – Queen
105. You Don't Bring Me Floriculturally Diverse Polyfragrant Soilistically Challenged Multipetaled Victims of Pesticidal Food Chain Chauvinism – TCS
104. You're the Best – Joe Esposito
103. Ode to a Superhero – WAY
102. Another One Bites the Dust – Queen
101. You're So Vague – TCS
100. Anytime You Need a Friend – The Beu Sisters
99. Here Comes Another Bubble – The Richter Scales
98. Proud Barry – TCS
97. Cause I'm a Blonde – Julie Brown
96. Like a Suburban Drone – TCS

95. Don't Download This Song – WAY
94. Georgie's Revenge – TCS
93. The Elements Song – Tom Lehrer
92. I Can't Say Yo – TCS
91. We Only Have McCain – TCS
90. Jerry Springer – WAY
89. Help Rwanda – TCS
88. Rockin' Robin – Bobby Day
87. Bob – WAY
86. Korea – TCS
85. Eat it – WAY
84. Blow Me Away – Breaking Benjamin
83. 'Atsa Lawyer – TCS
82. Proud Mary – Creedence Clearwater Revival
81. Like a Surgeon – WAY
80. Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round My Oldsmobile – TCS
79. The Hardest Rhyme – TCS
78. Fat – WAY
77. I'll Be There for You – The Rembrandts

76. United Through it All - Michael Allen, Randall Bayne, and Steve Mauldin
75. Move Along – The All-American Rejects
74. Cameroon – TCS
73. K-K-Kuwaitis – TCS
72. The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen – Bob Rivers
71. eBay – WAY
70. Livin' la Vida Loca – Ricky Martin
69. Bad Day – Daniel Powter
68. Virus Alert – WAY
67. Talk 'bout Saddam – TCS
66. Walk Away – Kelly Clarkson
65. Jeremullah Was a Bullfrog – TCS
64. Moving On – Good Charlotte
63. Smells Like Nirvana – WAY
62. NATO – TCS
61. How Do You Solve a Problem Like Korea? – TCS
60. Yoda – WAY
59. Summer of '69 – Bryan Adams
58. It's My Life – Bon Jovi

57. Iraq is Robbin' – TCS
56. Happy Birthday – WAY
55. Life is a Highway – Rascal Flatts (originally Tom Cochrane)
54. Livin' Libido Loco – TCS
53. Green Green Grass at Home – TCS
52. Rock and Roll Music – The Beatles (originally Chuck Berry)
51. Won't You Stay Home, Israelis? – TCS
50. Friends o' Mine – Bowling For Soup
49. 100 Years – Five for Fighting
48. Slipped Disco – TCS
47. Wake Me Up When September Ends – Green Day
46. We Are Family – Jump5 (originally Sister Sledge)
45. Don't Stop Me Now – Queen
44. Three Eggs and Ham – TCS
43. Let's Go Mets Go – Shelly Palmer and Tom Bernfeld
42. Super Zealous Radicals – TCS
41. Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh – Allan Sherman
40. 401(k) – TCS
39. The Saga Begins – WAY

38. SuperCaliforniaRecallFreakShowWasAtrocious – TCS
37. Invincible – Pat Benatar
36. Take Me Out to the Ballgame – Jack Norworth
35. We Are the Champions – Queen
34. Kleptomaniac – TCS
33. Slipped Away – Avril Lavigne
32. Y2K – TCS
31. Secret Agent Man – The Ventures (originally Johnny Rivers)
30. Breakaway – Kelly Clarkson
29. Will Not Pay For Numa – Mr. Safety
28. Bump in the Night – Allstars
27. You're Pitiful – WAY
26. Just Like Ron – TCS
25. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) – Toby Keith
24. He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask) – Alice Cooper
23. High School Never Ends – Bowling for Soup
22. Too Cool for School – Fountains of Wayne
21. We Arm the World - TCS
20. Your Horoscope for Today – WAY

19. The Irish Ballad – Tom Lehrer
18. God Bless My SUV – TCS
17. Particle Man – They Might Be Giants
16. Canadian Idiot – WAY
15. 1985 – Bowling for Soup
14. Goodbye, Uday, Qusay – TCS
13. The Night Santa Went Crazy – WAY
12. Better Days – Goo Goo Dolls
11. Dare to Be Stupid – WAY
10. Holding Out for a Hero – Bonnie Tyler
9. Sixteen Games – TCS
8. The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny – Lemon Demon
7. The Woes – TCS
6. Amish Paradise – WAY
5. Grow Up – Simple Plan
4. You Don't Love Me Anymore – WAY
3. American Pie – Don McLean
2. The Llama Song – Burton Earny
1. Eye of the Tiger – Survivor

TODAY'S BOOK: "On Language", by William Safire ((c) 1980)


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