Sunday, October 29, 2006


Story time

I could make some sort of gratuitous remark about this being my 13th post. But I'm not. Because that's not very random at all, in fact it's just plain asinine and predictable. So if you were planning to read a Number 13 joke, forget it.
Instead, I'm gonna right a novel. That's right, an entire novel, in one blog post! OK, here goes:

"Our tale's hero, Terry Harkness, has just been murdered in his bed. The End."
Wait a minute, you mean that's it?
What do you mean?
Well, aren't you gonna provide a little backstory for his murder?
Why bother? He's dead. The story's over.
But he's the main character! You can't just kill him off!
Why not?
Because he's the main character, doofus! There can't be a story without him. Have him wake up before he's attacked or something.
Oh yeah, suuure. Do you realize just how unlikely that is to actually happen in real life? I hate, I really loathe that plot device. Why shouldn't the hero ever be bumped off by an assassin who's been bumping other people off for years, just because he's the star? It makes no sense!
Fine, so the killer doesn't have to tip him off. Make him get up because he senses something wrong.
Jeez, no! That's even worse!
It's what the readers want.
Who's writing, you or me?
Is that some sort of trick question?
[Siighh] OK, OK, so you got me, I'll do it. But I won't make him awaken just because he gets bad vibes in the middle of his sleep!
Fair enough.
Guy like that wouldn't be able to be much of a hero anyway, always waking up at the flip of a karma... No, I'll make the murderer less of a professional, less hit jobs under his belt. The classic "sktch" giveaway.
Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Shaddup and let me compose.
"Terry Harkness awoke from his slumber when he heard a slight sktch from the direction of the hotel room's closet."
Happy now?

Hmm... I guess I really won't be able to write a blog-length novel like this, will I? Oh well, back to the old "segment" standby. Until next time--which is whenever I feel like it--this is MetFanMac, signing off!

TODAY'S BOOK: "Bunnicula", by Deborah and James Howe ((c) 1979)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "Aladdin", from Disney (1991)

WWWW2?: A small contingent of Boy Scouts.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: I'm quite sure that Google is the first choice for you when you need an online search engine; as a matter of fact, it's my first choice too. But Overture was the first search engine I used after getting online access on my computer, and while it's nowhere near as comprehensive as Google, I still use it occasionally. So, if you're looking for a bit of nostalgia, here you go!


Friday, October 27, 2006


12th post

Here's a vignette that would end up in any class's yearbook: on Wednesday afternoon, a classmate of mine drove from here to Ashdod (that's halfway across the country). Why? I'll tell you why: he was chasing a cloud. That's right, folks, chasing a cloud. I may be weird, but that just takes the cake!
Aye, Ah reckon I can do a rreal good Scottish accent in me own opinion. I've even managed to convince one of the rrookies--seventh grayders to the rest o' ye--in me school that I'm a native Scotsman borrn ahnd bred! (The bairn belongs t' me old English teacherr, so I get an added satifaction out o' it.)
Caramel tastes good once it's been suffused in diluted essence of frog. At least, that's how it is in theory.
If you're ever in Sydney, Australia and see my friend Raffy Zinn, please give him my regards. He never writes to me anymore.
Once upon a time the end.
Urinating do, urinating dog, urinating dog! Hahahaha! (Don't ask.)
That right below me is the first drawing I've treated using my newly-downloaded Serif PhotoPlus 6 program. Totally rocks!

TODAY'S BOOK: "Draw: The Greatest Gunfights of the American West", by James Reasoner ((c) 2003)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "The Incredibles", from Disney/Pixar (2004)

WWWW2?: Cleopatra.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: The ultimate site for your favorite orange feline--not surprising, since Paws Inc. runs it. Games galore, a gallery of characters' first appearances, and a Daily Strip--plus a vault that contains every single Garfield cartoon ever published, a rarity in the extreme!

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006


11th post

To the left is a crude diagram I made of the lobby in my school, where kids play a game called "stangah", usually played with a flattened tin can. Participants (3 to a side) may only touch the "puck" once in a row; the optional limit is a 5-point win. All this is a roundabout way of reminiscing about Monday: I (the prospective Inert Gas) actually participated in a stangah game, one that this time used a soccer ball, and wearing only sandals! A few minutes in, the score was 3-1 against me, one of the opposing players had taken a ball to the nose (he survived), and my toes hurt like heck. However, my side stiffened, and soon the score was 4-4 when a rabbi came by and made us stop (the game is banned in my school). I haven't felt so proud of myself in a long time!
Zzif, zzif, polp, polp.
Saw a lightning storm yesterday. First time in my life I've actually seen lightning bolts in person. How lovely is the periwinkle rose.
I wonder how De Bahbouh's doing these days.
How do I create all this randomness? I'll tell you how I create all this randomness: with a Random Access Generator (R.A.G.). It's a lot like RAM, only not.
Also yesterday, I saw a movie wherein two characters reenacted the awful "Grab my hand!" routine. The next time you see a movie, and one character yell "Grab my hand!", and the other one fails to do so with catastrophic results, shoot out the screen with a gun. (Use .22-caliber bullets because they don't look like film canisters.)

TODAY'S BOOK: "Break In", by Dick Francis ((c) 1982)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "Muppet Treasure Island", from Jim Henson Productions (1996)

WHO WON WORLD WAR II?: Lewis Carroll.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: While not as user-friendly as I'd like, is nonetheless the place to go for up-to-date information on TV shows, present and (to some extent) past. Not much else one can say about it.

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Monday, October 23, 2006


10th post

Ding-dong, paddywhack, Old MacDonald bought the farm, E-I-E-I-oops.
After eating in our Beit Midrash for the past 6-plus years, the school has finally organized an actual cafeteria for us, which opened on the new wing's top floor yesterday. The debut didn't do much to stir me up, however, seeing as how I don't use it anyway.
Ooh yeah, I'm pickin' up some real good vibes here. Yeah man!
So, you're doing a class project in Physics now, huh? What's it about? Uranium? Uranium's nice. You gonna blow anything up? Huh? Whaddaya mean, "no"? Tell me, just what is the point of studying uranium if you can't make an atomic bomb, huh? Answer me that! It just ain't worth it! You're not doing it right.
Wakka wakka wak! Wakka... wakka wak-wak wakka? Wakka? Wakka wakka wakka wakka.
Let the bodies hit the ceiling, let the bodies hit the ceiling...
In Hebrew, we have a saying, "Baruch ha'gever", which means "Blessed is the man [who trusts in the Lord]". However, in the case of my good friend and classmate Baruch, it would be more fitting to say, "Baruch ha'Amish".
It's a rummy thing--whenever you mention the Lady, she disappears, but when you mention CJ, he comes. (I'd love to tell you their names, but as you see, I'm in a quandary.)

TODAY'S BOOK: "Hitler's Gift: The True Story of the Scientists Expelled by the Nazi Regime", by Jean Medawar and David Pyke ((c) 2000)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "Home on the Range", from Disney (2004)

WWWW2?: Doctor Dolittle.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: You may have recently read in the papers about how the online video-sharing site YouTube was bought by Google for $1.65 billion (or about $25 per user). However, you may not have actually visited it yet--unless you used one of my links from previous posts. Well, you should! If it was ever aired or screened, it's probably there, and it also includes innumerous home movies. Principally, I use it to watch cartoons 'cause I don't have a TV; fave list: Teen Titans, Animaniacs, Freakazoid!, Pinky and the Brain, and Earthworm Jim.

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Saturday, October 21, 2006


9th post

I'm weird... yes it's true... I really can't help it but--oh, high there. Just randomly composing an anthem for myself. You ever see Animaniacs? Dot's song "I'm Cute" ( Well, that's what this is based on. I don't care if you don't care. Hmm... "Can't help it..."
But what can I do?
When you're weird, it just shows
With these two crossed eyes and this great bulbous nose
And an ugly puce shirt that's all covered in dirt
And when they see my face then everyone says:
"Oh shoot! Isn't he weird! Weird, weird, oh, isn't he weird, weird, weird!"
Yes, that seems to be progressing quite nicely. Next verse:
I'm the one they all fear
I'm stinky and I'm wobbly and don't ever look jolly--but see here!
I'm no queer, to be constantly weird and never endeared
With my teeth sticking out under that piggish-like snout
Then there just is no doubt why the folks like to shout:
"Eek! That beard!" Let's face it, I'm weird! (Weird, weird, oh, lordy, he's weird,weird!)
Yeah, yeah, I'm smokin' now!
Being weird's a thing you can't hide
If you look up the word in a book there's my picture inside!
"Moron Guide" has me on the cover (Go fly off and hover!)
I'm simply so smart (Throw at him a dart!)
I'm the answer to one of the questions in Trivial Pursuit for "Who's the least cute?"
"Weird, weird, oh, isn't he weird, weird, weird!"
...Ah, screw it, this is just getting stupider. I'm stopping right here... G'night, everybody!

TODAY'S BOOK: "American Ground: Unbuilding the World Trade Center", by William Langewiesche ((c) 2002)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "The Adventures of Robin Hood", from Warner Bros. (1938)

WWWW2?: The Scarlet Pimpernel.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: Under constant updating and revision, the purpose of this ambitious project is no less than catloguing every known character in the history of the Marvel Universe, including their pictures, histories and powers. Sorted into convenient categories such as Fantastic Four, Spider-Man and X-Men, the site also contains information on major storylines including the ongoing "Civil War". A must for every comic-book buff or just someone seeking info on a specific character.

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006


8th post

Today, somebody threw a rock from my schoolyard that landed on somebody's car in the street below... "Uh oh. Uh oh. Def'nitely a rock. Makes trouble. Uh oh."
Floyd the Barber cuts my hair, too!
Just in case you're wondering, "Wakka Wakka" can also be used as a language. For example: "Wakka! Wakka wakka wak-wakka? Wakka, wak wak wakka," means "Hi! How are you? We're all fine here." To help clarify your point, it is helpful to use facial expressions, hand gestures, and changing inflections and accents among the words. If your friend indicates that he understands what you're saying, good for you. If he answers you in kind, you must be kindred spirits.
Do FAQs contain QEDs? Do I know? Do I even care? I just tip my cap and call the Yankees my baddies.
I love my bingely and my bingely loves me.
Anyone who doubts that humans have voice-boxes need only to look at my friend Nat. His Adam's Apple is almost as long as his nose.
I devoutly hope the Mets win tonight and that John Maine rebounds from a disappointing postseason. GO, ORANGE AND BLUE!

TODAY'S BOOK: "Schindler's List", by Thomas Keneally ((c)1982)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "Home Alone 2", from 20th Century Fox (1993)

WWWW2?: Harper Lee.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: Terry Pratchett is one of the funniest writers alive (one of my favorite quotes about him is "[Pratchett] ought to be locked in a padded cell... and forced to write a book a month"), and was one of the top vote-getters in a recent poll on who was the UK's greatest living author (J.K. Rowling won by a handy margin). Personally, I rank him as the second-best writer I've read, and his famous satirical Discworld series is my fourth-favorite book/series; this website is incredibly informative about him and his books (including upcoming ones), as well as containing itineraries for book tours (O joy!) and links to Pratchett-related websites, the last mainly of interest to the more die-hard "TP" fans.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006


7th post

Here's a TV series coming soon to a station near you: The OZ. It's about a scarecrow, a tin man, a lion, and a young country girl all living in Los Angeles. One of them is a pimp. Don't ask me why I just said that.
Pluto is still a planet. We know this because the aliens living there recently contacted the government, and since we don't want to embarrass them by referring to them as coming from a "dwarf planetoid", it's been re-upgraded.
Cut the lights, I'm gonna fall off...
I've mentioned before that my class anthem is "Waka Waka". Its title is quite similar to a song called "Waka Laka", which is like it a lot except not really. And now for something completely different.
"Ragenalie" is not a real word. Make a note of that, children.
If you ever stick your tongue in a toaster, you deceive what you reserve.
Listen to the Weird Al Yankovic song "You Don't Love Me Anymore" (Fan-made AMV:, admit to me that it's the best song you've ever heard, and I'll give you a whole carton of jalapen~o-flavored ice cream. With a cherry on top too. Maybe even sprinkles, if I feel like it. Please?

TODAY'S BOOK: "It's Not Over 'Til it's Over", by Al Silverman ((c) 2002)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "Cats & Dogs", from Warner Bros. (2001)

WWWW2?: Bugs Bunny.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: One of the longest-running and highest-syndicated comic strips ever, "Peanuts"--featuring Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy, Schroeder and, yes, Snoopy--was beloved by generations of children. Although the series finished its run a few months before the death of its creator, Charles Schulz, its spirit lives on in this informative website, featuring news, character bios, and downloadable stuff, as well as a daily reprinted strip.


Monday, October 16, 2006


"The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"

Hooray! To randomly celebrate my 6th post, I've decided to display the most random song I have ever heard, courtesy of Lemon Demon (an accompanying high-quality fan-made AMV may be found at

"Old Godzilla was hopping around/Tokyo City like a big playground
When suddenly Batman burst from the shade/And hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade
Godzilla got pissed and began to attack/But didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq
Who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu/When Aaron Carter came out of the blue
And he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal/Then they both got flattened by the Batmobile
But before it could make it back to the Batcave/Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave
And took an AK-47 out from under his hat/And blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat
But he ran out of bullets and he ran away/because Optimus Prime came to save the day

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime/Like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime
And then Shaq came back covered in a tire track/But Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back
And Batman was injured, and trying to get steady/When Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete
But suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped/Indiana Jones took him out with his whip
Then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind/and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find
'Cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed/And Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist
Then he jumped in the air and did a somersault/While Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault
Onto Optimus Prime, but they collided in the air/Then they both got hit by a Care Bear Stare

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
This is the Ultimate Showdown...

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus/Down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
Who delivered a kick which could shatter bones/Into the crotch of Indiana Jones
Who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain/As Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne
But Chuck saw through his clever disguise/And he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs
Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White/And "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight
And Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie/And Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader/Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan/Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
All came out of no where lightning fast/And they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass
It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw/With civilians looking on total awe
And the fight raged on for a century/many lives were claimed, but eventually
The champion stood, the rest saw their better:/Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
This is the Ultimate Showdown...
This is the Ultimate Showdown...
This is the Ultimate Showdown...
Of Ultimate Destiny"

TODAY'S BOOK: "Travels With Alice", by Calvin Trillin ((c) 1989)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "Finding Nemo", from Disney/Pixar (2003)

WWWW2?: Sherlock Holmes.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: Despite J.K. Rowling's recent public confirmation that Albus Dumbledore is indeed dead, this plucky site keeps chugging along trying to convince everybody that the late Hogwarts headmaster is not yet late. Runs some very convincing articles accompanied by nice "portraits" of Harry Potter characters, plus it links to breaking HP-related news.


Thursday, October 12, 2006


5th post

"Why do you have two noses?"
My family is pretty active I guess, going on trips during school vacations and so on. But usually I don't go with them, I would estimate 90% of the time. Exercise is not in my vocabulary. My life's ambition is to become an Inert Gas.
Does a madman know if he's insane? Does he even think about it? This question has been bugging me for ages on the off-chance that I am mad too.
My Dad went to YU; I'm going to Y Me.
Saw some creatively-built succahs today--they were built on curved balconies, so the walls were curved too. Fascinating.
.smelborp suoires tog evah uoy ,gnikniht tuohtiw siht daer nac uoy fI
Simchas Torah is tomorrow night, and I'll dance for a few hours in shul. Fun fun fun! But then school will start again on Monday with a massive gemara test. Not fun at all.
And finally, I conclude on this note: it's a Lard Hock Knife.

TODAY'S BOOK: "Burglars Can't be Choosers", by Lawrence Block ((c) 1977)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "Pirates of the Caribbean", from Disney (2003)

WWWW2?: Attila the Hun.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: This is probably of marginal interest to you--heck, it's probably of no interest to you whatsoever--but I figure this is just as good a time as any to mention my own school's website. (I'm in the 12th grade of Sha'alei Torah, the local high school-yeshiva.)


Tuesday, October 10, 2006



I have been chosen to spread the Word(s) and these words are: Wakka Wakka.
These words (which I invented 4 years ago) may change your life and enrich your soul. I have no idea wht they mean. They were not invented by Fozzie Bear, Garfield, Pac-Man, or anybody else; they do not refer to the New York-based theater company, Australian dance company, or anything else; and finally, it is not spelled "Waka Waka", which is how my friends corrupted it. I should know how to spell it, right? After all, it's my invention!
My catchphrase has become widepread enough to make the South African band CapeTown's "Waka Waka" Afrikaans-language song our class anthem (yes, I realize that it's misspelled but at least they pronounce it right).
So, remember--with Wakka Wakka, you can't go wrong!

TODAY'S BOOK: "Hot Water", by P.G. Wodehouse ((c) 1932)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "The Sum of All Fears", from Paramount (2002)

WWWW2?: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: If it's been performed and reasonably unobscure, chances are good you'll be a ble to find it on the A-Z Lyrics search engine. Type in a performer, title or key phrase and watch the results come up! For songs from movie soundtracks, visit the companion site SoundTrack Lyrics at


Sunday, October 08, 2006


3rd post

Today has been very good to me: my favorite team has swept their NLDS series, and I have received an "honorable mention" for my entry (above) in a fan-art contest on!
KO, everybody! Let me stell you the tory about that trig bubblemaker, that ictator of Diraq, that east of the Middle Beast, that Bagger of Butchdad, that sadman Maddam.
When the weasels go marching on parade all over the town, fa la la.
Yippi-ki-ay, mo-fo! Hahahahahaha! Who the heck needs "It's a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It's a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known" anyway?
Fart jokes in a movie become tasteless when they become plot points instead of jokes in the style of one-liners: use once, flip, done. NAYXT!
If the words "United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama" don't mean anything to you, you have a void in your soul that you are ignorant of.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves/Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves/And the mome raths outgrabe...

TODAY'S BOOK: "City of Light, City of Dark", by Avi ((c) 1993)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire", from Warner Bros. (2005)

WWWW2?: Julia Roberts.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: So maybe I'm biased because I am a Mets fan; but this is the only website I know of that actually tracks the history of a team's uniform numbers. It is exhaustive, constantly updated, and best of all--next season we can anticipate the arrival of the Mets' 800th player!

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Saturday, October 07, 2006


2nd post

"Dead men do not buy dog food!"
I have just realized that Pippi Longstocking is God (and not, as Adam Long would have us believe, Frank Sinatra). The revelation came upon me as I was reading one of the three books she stars in for the umpteenth time, none of which have lessened the enjoyment. I would have said that Astrid Lindgren (the author) is God, except that I've read other books by her--most recently "Ronia, the Robber's Daughter"--and found them passable but uninspiring. Thus my verdict.
If you are nuked, do not forget to duck and cover. OTOH, if you are attacked by raygun-wielding aliens, try placating them with a carton of Haagen-Dazs.
The rum is gone because I [hic] drank it.
All these comic-book characters, they're just going to the dogs. Used to be, you gave one powers or abilities, then named them; nowadays, they do it the other way around, even changing established characters (one example: the Marvel Comics villain The Fly, who recently acquired a taste for garbage and other flylike behavior).
Hiiigher, Hiiigher, High as the Eye of the Tiger...
As I type this, Alex Rodriguez (a.k.a. A-Fraud) has made a throwing error that has lead to an unearned run with his team, the New York Bankees, needing a win to avoid getting dumped out of the postseason already down by three. With his playoffs batting average already down to .083, the only question becomes how much deeper will he continue to dig his hole? Give me David Wright with his .375 batting average and 3 RBIs (in his first postseason!) over this walking sack of crud any day.
PS - I read on a message board somewhere that the movie mutt Air Bud is God. Have you ever heard such absolute piffle in your life?

TODAY'S BOOK: "Long Journey Home", by Julius Lester ((c) 1972)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "The Sword in the Stone", from Disney (1963)

WWWW2?: Mao Tse-tung.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: Everything you did or didn't want to know about the House of Mouse, except for the nitty-gritty details.

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Thursday, October 05, 2006


1st post

Hmm... so, it's that easy to create a blog, eh? Well, well, well.
Welcome, everybody reading this, to the Blog of Randomness. When life gets too much to handle, I'll just pop in here and do something random to get that weight off my chest.

TODAY'S BOOK: "Forests of the Night", by S. Andrew Swann ((c) 1993)

TODAY'S MOVIE: "A Bug's Life", from Disney/Pixar (1998)

(This is going to be a regular feauture with nonsensical answers.)
TODAY'S ANSWER: Howdy Doody.

TODAY'S WEBSITE: If you're a fan of some sort of sport, this site is a definite must for you. Answer prediction polls to gain IQ points (or just express your opinion), create your own polls, and collect various awards. The site is currently in its Beta V2 version, which I find to be less helpful than the old one, but what the heck.

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